Dating Should Be Serendipitous...
Posted by : Matt Adams | December 29, 2010
This is a amazing read! I’m experiancing the same physco crazy ex stalking/life wrecking for the past 2-3 years remaining quiet not retaliating and still remains the same.
I’ve done everything restraining orders, move, police, court cases but yet again the same.
It’s hard to imagine when it may stop, especially when you have children involved.
My conclusion recently is to stop the fear.
Your article helps and I’d love to hear more about your journey through the madness as I’m failing to see the end.
Hi Louise, thank you for the comment. Now that you’ve read the articles, what steps are you going to take to combat the unwanted attention? ~Matt
P.S. I do have a part 4 coming. Hopefully is it the last past I’ll ever have to write.
Do you have any classes and events for people interested in the same sex? Your website falsely assumes that everyone single is looking for the opposite sex.
Thanks for reaching out.
Events can be found here: http://www.meetup.com/Bostons-LGBT-Social/
As far as classes go, the way I see it- it doesn’t really matter what gender you’re attracted to or looking for. Most all of the problems people have with dating and relationships stem from the same place inside. Those are the things I help people with.
All my best,
I’ve read your articles about your crazy-ex. It sounds very similar to what my boyfriend is still going through at random. Her pop ups are more infrequent as of late. Prior to the last few years when he started dating me, she would follow him and watch him at work. Call his phone at all hours, text, email, and etc. Break into his emails and social media profiles. Drove by his relatives house if he wasn’t home. Threaten me and my family with physical harm.
He’s had to deal with it for close to 7 years now. The last time they spoke; she showed up at his house. He had never told her where he moved to. This took place two years ago, she had a friend with her. I know my SO reaffirmed and told her firmly that he doesn’t want her in his life, period. After he told her to leave and she left, she ignored and black holed any communication from her or her family&friends.
It was quiet for about a year until around the time I gave birth to our son. She emailed him, somehow seeing pictures of our son and us, to congratulate us and announce that she was expecting as well. He never replied. She just kept emailing every few weeks really nice things and it progressed to “I know you won’t reply anyways, just wanted to be friends, and etc” , bothering mutual people we know, and trying to give back my SO’s old shirt/clothes/something (bothering a mutual friend about giving it back to my SO), and then it just stopped June 2013. Started back up Oct 2013 when she informed of us of her baby’s birth. Then she sent her mother and few friends to try and engage my SO. Her friends have never directly bothered us before so we never blocked them from social media, until then. We blocked everyone we could think of. We also use “friends only” type of privacy settings and we never post public location information; like where he currently works. She bothers people we mutually know about us, still.
Since blocking her friends, family, and just immediately blocking any kind of communication like that and not responding has helped keep things very quiet. The last thing was one of her friends sending a friend request and message. Which was blocked and ignored.
If you have any advice. I have concerns because of my son. Or maybe offer some insight of why we didn’t hear much at all while I was pregnant and it started back up when I had our child and when she had hers. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it to be honest. She has her own child and her own family now.
I apologize for the late reply, Kathryn, but this comment went into the spam box and I am just now discovering it.
It sounds like she’s still very attached to your SO. There’s something there that she hasn’t resolved yet. She may just want some acknowledgment but more likely she wants to be in his life somehow, which I think is a bad idea. Re-opening any kind of communication will just trigger more of her obsessive behavior.
Just keep blocking her but start a keeping track of her communications for future use. Who knows, you may need them in court someday.
Hopefully now that she has her own family, her life will be more and more consumed with those things. But from what you’ve written, she doesn’t sound like a threat, just more of a nuisance.
If things ever escalate, meaning she does more than just email or call, you should probably get a restraining order.
How have things been lately?
Just stumbled upon this while doing a google search for “psycho ex girlfriend” or something of that sort. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. The last year has been on and off ever since I moved out of his place. It’s been nice reading about your experience because your attitude towards your psycho ex is something I would have liked my boyfriend to have had.
We started dating soon after they broke up. He had been with his ex for 10 years (yes, a very long time). I came in to the picture knowing that and not knowing what type of ex I would have to be dealing with. He of course knew her personality. In the first 3 months, she found out my phone number and started to call me from unknown, untrace-able numbers for 3 months. I ended up changing my number. I changed it twice within the same day because I kept receiving the calls. I couldn’t figure out how this could be possible. I was finally able to trace back the number by purchasing a service online. He identified that it was hers. I changed my number again as soon as I found out who it was. It turned out she had been monitoring his cell phone online page to get my new numbers (knew his password).
I got to understand then the level of crazy. I did not inquire to find out at the time whether he was still in communication. This phone stalking issue was certainly a warning to me but I was empathetic to the fact that they had been together for 10 yrs and you can’t just suddenly show up in someone’s life and demand that they immediately shut down their past. I would have appreciated it if someone had done the same for me had I been in his shoes. It did not help however.
Eventually, months after that, I realized that not only was he not appreciative of this tolerance, but it started to look more and more like he was not taking the necessary steps to “break up” with her. Part of her stuff was still in his apartment. I knew that was sending the wrong message and hoped he would know to do something about it on his own but he didn’t. I had to speak to him about it. He agreed to call movers (under her supervision of course) to move her stuff once and for all.
After that event she started calling non stop. She used his mother’s passing to contact him non-stop. It climaxed to her showing up at his place one night when we were asleep. She still had keys to his place (you would think he would change his locks knowing who he was dealing with) and came in right in the room, on his bed and when she noticed I was there with him proceeded to attempt to hit me. He stopped her and physically threw her out of the apartment. Once out the door, she started kicking the door, screaming and shouting, calling me the all sorts of names. My boyfriend called the cops. All I could say that night was: “how could you be with this person for 10 years and why have you not changed your lock knowing who you’re dealing with?” (It is to be mentioned that when he had attempted to break up with her in the past a similar stalking behavior had occurred).
Some time after this event, seeing that the calls from unknown numbers on his cell did not stop, I asked that he change his cell number. I was faced with resistance. I got very upset that after all that had happened, he would not do something as simple as that. I had changed my number because of her. He ended up doing it but he did it because he was asked to, after we had argued about it. Anyway…fast forward several months. We are now living together. Everything is good. He has big plans for us. He’s always had big plans for us. I have been the one who wanted to take it easy and slow.
Months after living together, I find out about a week long email conversation between the two of them (he had told me he had cut off all communication long before since there was no other way with her). I found this out by seeing the emails on his phone. He did not tell me. I did not read what the emails were about but instead immediately confronted him. His reaction right away was: “I was with the girl for 10 years. It’s not like you can forget all that”. I was very calm although deeply disappointed and explained to him that this was not a normal ex girlfriend, reminded him what we had gone through and that for him to communicate with her behind my back was a huge breach of trust. He did explain why he wrote back, that he felt bad for her, that he tried to give her some support with whatever issues she was having in her life (father’s lover died and her mother was freaking out and her brother is in prison, and she is still depressed, etc etc).
I told him why this was a deal breaker for me, things you can guess… things you touch on in your blog… and moved out. In the past year we have been trying to get back, I have given it several chances, to no avail. Every time I land back to the same conclusion: he has issues he needs to figure out and I am not going to be happy with him. He doesn’t seem to really understand what is going on. He has agreed with me that the reason why he has not dealt with her differently is because part of him was attracted to the idea of him being a hero… his ego liked it that she obsessed after him. He claims to have worked on these issues this year. I do think he has thought about it a lot and arrived to some healthy conclusions but from time to time he will make statements that take me back to a year ago.
We have been going to couple counseling for the past month and a half to give it a shot and see if we can resolve our conflicts. This topic of course came up. I explained to the therapist and him that I can not get over a past that is not resolved. To me, it does not seem resolved because it feels like he still wants to keep this person around… that he makes statements like “You should compromise about going out with your friends like I am compromising with my ex” which lead me to believe that he doesn’t get the point. He explains this in therapy by saying “I will always have mixed feelings about this”.
That is when I stopped listening. I asked him immediately why would he still have mixed feelings about this? Why should he feel bad for this person? That this is precisely why she is still around, still emailing and stalking. She does this because she knows she can. Period. She does this because she knows him and she knows he can get manipulated.
I told him last night that I don’t want a future with him. That is free to feel however he wants to and so am I. This is not the life I want for myself. It is not a situation I want to be in period. I think I have given him enough opportunities to tackle the situation but I think the root of the problem is not being addressed. I can not change his mind and I wouldn’t want to attempt to do that. I think if at all, he will find out the right path for himself.
Thanks Matt. I don’t expect an answer from you. Writing this has been help enough. Thanks for sharing your crazy story. I commend you for seeing the truth when you saw it and doing something about it.
Hi ~name withheld~,
I think you are doing the right thing by leaving and moving on with your life. You’re right that he had enough time to deal with it, and even though he may not have had the resources to effectively do so, had he had the inkling to take action, the information is out there for him if he chose to look for it.
Move on and find a better person, create something wonderful that you’ve always wanted and make it beautiful. I’m wishing you the best and hope you go on to live happily ever after and get everything you want out of life. 🙂
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